Where's my stupid mouth?

"My stupid mouth has got me in trouble. I said too much again....... how could I forget? Mama said, think before speaking. No filter in my head...."

Yeah, John Mayer. My Stupid Mouth.

Call me crazy but I actually want to be more like that. No filter. I seriously have waaaayyy too many filters in my head. Whenever I open my mouth to comment on something or to throw out a retort, this incredibly swift alarm system goes off and starts to dissect whatever it is I'm about to say. All it takes is a split second.. and I'm left with nothing. I usually just let out a snort or a confused chuckle or the very handy, "Mmm-mm." It's like one of those cool juicers advertised on home tv shopping network. You put in a carrot and out comes the purest of juice. No fiber.

It's like that problem Meg Ryan had in You've Got Mail. "When I'm confronted by someone I get tongue tied and my mind goes blank. Then I spend the rest of the night tossing and turning over what i should have said." Like that, but I have it worse. I'd replay the conversation over and over again over the next few days then come up with dozens of kick ass comebacks and counter arguments... and don't forget the very passionately rehearsed facial expression and hand gesture. It's self torture, I know. But, come on. We know we can't help it.

I don't know when I got so cautious. I used to be really snappy and somewhat brutal. I miss being like that. Now, I'm just... too polite. Who installed all these damn filters in me??

*opens mouth*
*freezes*
*a million monologues in a millisecond*

..."You can't say that! Ang corny!"
..."Oh no, that'll sound racist."
..."So unoriginal."
..."Mas matanda/bata yan sa'yo. 'Wag kang bastos."
..."Ang baduy, wag mong patulan."
..."Anjan si mama/papa/lolo/lola/tito/tita, di pwede."
..."Baka ma-offend, wag na."
..."Ay, baka secret lang namin yun."
..."Dude, mahirap i-pronounce. Wag na. Baka mabarok ka lang. Nakakahiya."
..."Baka di niya ma-gets yung sasabihin ko. Ang hirap i-explain e."
..."Ang haba ng i-eexplain ko. Nakakatamad. Ang slow pa naman nito. Um-oo ka nalang."

I think in Tagalog so that's basically how it goes inside my head.

Maybe that should be one of my mini resolutions for this year. I should put on my 'stupid mouth' from time to time.