.. four months?

whoooooooooooaaaa...

it's. been. a. while.

I know, I know.. this blog's main purpose was supposedly to chronicle, in detail, my transition from "fresh off the boat" (F.O.B. as my white workmate puts it) to official L.A. native. But seriously, it's not that easy. Plus the fact that I'm still getting over these dreaded homesickness blues. Yes, everybody.. apparently, even I get homesick. Blame it on the cold western holidays. No puto bumbong... no bibingka... none of that sweet, sweet zombie look us Pinoys get when Christmas is nearing and we're up at 4a.m. every day for the nine days of simbang gabi - my personal favorite of all our traditions.. no ninongs and ninangs to fatten up my piggybank.. no caroling by the neighborhood kids squealing, "Jeengil beels, jeengil beels, jeengil olaweiii!!"... no goofy parols made of walis.. Nada.

Don't get me wrong. I mean, Christmas was still fun. I still got to eat all kinds of Pinoy food, thanks to Nanay Anita and the rest of the Quedit family. I still spent the rest of the night singing Tell Me, 'Til I Met You, Hands to Heaven (Christian Bautista's version, of course) and Torete (aahh.. classic) on the golden Magic Sing mic. I still mixed my beers with tequila and spent the wee hours of the morning hugging the toilet bowl. Yeah, pretty much the same..

Except that I'm not drinking my usual SMB (oh i miss you!) or a lucky happy horse (the special not-so-secret smiling Red Horse).. or the fact that there are no fireworks lined up in the streets in front of everybody's houses.

This is my problem: I keep on comparing. I have to stop if I really plan to move on and build a new life in this new place.

Before I moved here, I had this grand plan. I knew exactly what I was gonna do. I was gonna get a job, start saving, buy a car, get my credits evaluated so I start applying for master's, get a house with my sister, petition for my dad, be active with the FilAm community, make new awesome friends.. I had this amazing picture in my head on how my L.A. life will look like. And guess what? I almost have everything down. It's all slowly coming together. So, what's wrong with me? Why does it feel like there's this giant gaping hole I just cannot fill?

Because I can't let go.

I can't let go of my Pinas life. There's this internal struggle of embracing the new and clutching on with iron claws to what was. But maybe... hopefully... I don't have to pick just one.